Do I Have Trust Issues?

All relational interactions require trust. You trust others without even thinking about it. We trust our employers to actually pay us on payday after working our hours for the week. We trust the electric company to keep our lights on if we pay our bill.  I trust my puppy not to pee on the floor if I let her roam around the kitchen. TRUST! It is a necessity in all relationships but never as big an issue as in romantic relationships. If you do not have the ability to trust then you probably will not survive in a relationship. Romantic relationships (dating/marriage) can survive without money.  These relationships can survive without health.  Ironically, many "romantic" relationships continue in longevity without  love.  However, relationships cease to exist without an ability to trust.

What is trust?  Merriam-Webster defines trust as an "assured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone or something." When we decide to enter into a relationship with someone we have already actively (or subconsciously) decided to trust them to do what is good for the relationship. No woman in her right mind stands at the altar and thinks, "He is going to cheat on me for the rest of my life."  When a man thinks that the woman standing across from him is going to take him for everything he has in his possession. If we trust each other then everything else in the relationship is workable.

So here is a scenario... He cheated on you. He lied to you about cheating. He lied to you about money. At some point in your relationship,  he has lied to you concerning just about everything of importance to you.  You no longer believe a single, solitary syllable that comes from his lips.  You no longer trust him.

Do you have trust issues?  HELL NO!!!  Does he relationship have trust issues? Absolutely! 

Look at the definition of trust again.  It says an "assured" reliance.  If he/she has broken the "assured" and you no longer trust him/her YOU do not have trust issues. He/She has character issues or truth issues or some other aspect of that definition inside of trust is broken.  It is NOT your ability to trust that is broken.  When someone gives you a clear reason to doubt your reliance on their character, ability, strength, etc, you would be foolish to blindly trust them. They have proven to be untrustworthy and need to rebuild that trust.

Having trust issues means you have an inability to trust. So, if you move on from this particular relationship and immediately start holding another person responsible for the actions of this dishonest person, THEN you have trust issues. You may choose to remain in a relationship with a liar, manipulator, or cheater with a proven track record of not being trustworthy.  If he has not put in the work to prove himself again into "assured" then why would you trust him?  You may have forgiveness issues but you certainly do not have trust issues.  So trust yourself and your judgement. Make him/her earn your trust again.

People Pleasing? Not Ya Girl!

There are numerous perspectives and quotes on our ability to please people. Most notably, Abraham Lincoln said "You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time. You can please some of the people all of the time. But you cannot please all of the people all of the time."  That is a mouthful of truth.

I admit I lived the early part of my life (teens/20s) trying to please people. I made a lot of decisions in my life that led to me being miserable because I decided to do "the right thing" for everybody but me.  I ignored the desires and dreams burning inside of me to do what others expected of me so that they could say "good job" and give me the proverbial pat on the heard.  By the time I was 21 I was praised by those that mattered most to me. I had followed all of the rules: good girl, smart girl, nice girl. My family and friends were sufficiently pleased with the miserable, dissatisfied young woman I had created myself to be.

I was not pleased with myself, my life, or the future I saw before me. I had something else burning on the inside of me. So at 25 I made a very unpopular decision to end the inertia of my life and follow the spirit of God in me. I got a divorce. I moved away.  I began a six year journey of exploration to become the woman I am today. Because I made that one step toward pleasing the God in me, my life has been filled with numerous surprises of faith ever since.

It is normal human behavior to want to be liked, appreciated, and admired. But when that normal human desire becomes a hindrance to who you are and what God has created you to be,  you may need to face the fact that you might be a "people pleaser".  Do not be ashamed. I was a "people pleaser" for many, many years and it is a hard habit to break. People will criticize you and call you selfish or narcissistic. When I hear those things from people I dust my shoulders off and keep it moving on the path God has for me.  I have been told that I have gone too far with my indifference to the opinion of others.  They say I can be harsh or uncaring about what people think of me. So I go to the Bible for reassurance. Romans 14 says that the "Kingdom of God is righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit, because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and receives human approval."  Boom! There it is! If I please God, the rest of y'all will be alright.

To further illustrate my point take a look at this. Ironically, I received these two comments on the SAME DAY on the Main Chick Monologues blog :

"Sometimes you come off like you are better than everyone else. Remember to be humble and don't think too highly of yourself." -Anon

"You don't know your worth." - Anon

I printed both comments and sat them in front of me trying to decide how to respond. Am I overly confident and think too highly of myself OR do I suffer from low self-esteem not knowing my worth? I surely cannot be both things at once.  I continue to sit at my desk and stare at the two sheets of paper.  I know that I'm not BETTER THAN anyone but I am BETTER OFF than a lot of people. To God be the glory for that!!!   I surely know how valuable I am in the lives of those around me, the lives of those in my past and as a wondrous creation of God. I was perplexed... I am neither lacking in self-esteem nor filled with conceit. Hmmm? What's a girl to do?

I think I should publicly say "thank you" to my anonymous posters for giving me a valuable experience and the confirmed knowledge that the best way for me to please "some of the people some of the time" is to simply continue being Kamryn and pleasing God. If two people can read the same post on the same day and come to two completely opposite opinions of me, why should I spend any energy worrying about the opinions of others. People cannot even agree on how they feel about me among themselves. Let alone me trying to battle conflicting opinions of who I am - according to someone else's subjective assessment.

I write to the pleasure of my gifts.  I do not write to please all of you or even to please myself, but to be pleasing to God who created me with this gift to express myself with courage and joy. In doing so, I can please ALL who seek to fill their hearts with love.... some of the time and SOME who seek to live in the light of God... some of the time. That's good enough for me.

What do you do? Whatever it is, do it so that you seek to please God with the gifts He has given you.  If you work your gifts according to what God has given you, you will undoubtedly please people...sometimes, but God will be pleased with what he has created in you always.  Be Fearless! 

Morphing Mates-Grow But Don't Change Who You Are

People change. A new born becomes a toddler, a child, a teenager, and becomes an adult. So, is it over then? Once we hit puberty does our evolution as humans stop? As we continue to live and experience new things, we often change what we do and what we believe about some things. These changes may lead to an overall change in WHO WE ARE.  If this metamorphosis occurs after you are married or in a serious relationship it could mean trouble for you and your mate.

I read an interesting article on WebMD about how unhappy relationships are bad for your physical health, as well as, your mental well-being. As I read through the article I began to wonder how the same two people that fall madly in love and pledge to live together in harmony often end up at war.  Well, many times it is because the same two people are not in the relationship anymore.

The Belief Debacle
You have heard me say a million times over that I am a Jesus girl through and through. It does not matter how smart, fine, rich, sexy, outstanding a man may be. We cannot rock together if he does not WHOLLY believe in salvation from Christ, the blood of Jesus, and the power of the Holy Ghost.  So, half way through the relationship you decide you want to worship colored glass or become a disciple of Yeezus. You cannot expect me to remain happy in that relationship. You are not the same person. I did not pledge my love to a follower of Yeezus, I said JESUS!

The Physical Fiasco
Ladies, this is a rather important one for the fellas. We all know that six-packs soften and perky boobs sag. No reasonable person expects his/her mate to look the same through twenty or thirty years of marriage. HOWEVER, you need to stay fundamentally the same in physical stature of WHO YOU ARE. Here's what I mean:   If you were weight conscious and fit when you married, he does not expect you to gain a hundred pounds and decide that having children makes it okay for you to change your entire body structure. The same goes in reverse. If you know he likes  "big women" and you decide to drop 150 pounds you cannot expect him to still be on fire for you.  Without strong communication and understanding this could lead to a side-chick scenario.  Men, you aren't off the hook. If you were fresh to death when we got together, staying lined up and smelling good, you cannot decide to morph into an unkempt mess of a man with a homemade hairline and ashy knee caps.

The Ambition Break Down
We shared an ambition to be and do "something great".  Five years later I'm climbing the latter to the dream and you are lying on the couch daydreaming. Houston, we have a problem!  Let me be clear. This is not a reference to the senior partner at a law firm who decides to be a stay-at-home mom or the corporate executive that decides he wants to start a non-profit to help children. Those are changes in WHAT you do, not WHO you are. We have to continue to share common goals in order for us to work together. That means you have to actually have a goal of your own. The ones that appear on NFL Sunday Ticket do not count.

The Morphing Mate
In the spirit of full disclosure I have been guilty of this. So my apologies to my exes and complexes.  The Morphing Mate is the very reason I say that a person must know WHO they are before commingling life with someone else. So, we love each other.  I love (almost) everything about you. You are the man of my dreams - then my dreams change.  It is not your fault. You are exactly who I asked you to be, but now I have changed and I do not want those things anymore. Uh Oh! The morphing mate is usually the death of the relationship.

Did you read this post and realize you have a morphing mate? Do not get too nervous yet. A new person does not just appear in the bed next to you overnight. (If so, you need to call a doctor immediately.) Morphing takes place over a period time and experience.  To avoid the "surprise" appearance of a fully morphed mate, couples should regularly communicate with one another and discuss their thoughts on life, love, and living together in harmony. Now go talk about it!

Judge Not !

I don't know who wrote this or from where it originates but I saw it this morning and had to post it. There is nothing more for me to say...

was shocked, confused, bewildered 
As I entered Heaven's door, 
Not by the beauty of it all, 
Nor the lights or its decor. 

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

Bob, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.

'And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said,
'they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.'