Not so Secret Lovers

Last week I watched "Our America" with Lisa Ling as she examined this freely loving relationship called polyamory.  I began to do a little research on the topic to see if I clearly understood. Apparently, I am a bit late to the game on this because the New York Times had an article on polyamory back in 2008 and apparently this way of life sprouted out of the 1960s free love movement. So nothing new.

In simple terms polyamory is having multiple relationships without lying about or hiding it from any of the parties involved - a novel approach. Initially, I was vexed because this simply sounded like "dating" and being honest about it. Big deal! But polyamorous people say it's not just dating. These are real intimate relationships with strong bonds. Okay...  So it's SERIOUS dating and being honest about it. Big Deal!

Honesty is the foundation of a relationship.  It's a shame that a group of "polyamorous" folks have to model how to be honest in a relationship.  Granted they got a lot of other stuff going on that I don't necessarily wish to explore- I don't want to live in the same house with two boyfriends. What woman on earth would sign up for two loud TVs with missing remote controls, two toilet seats that are never down and double the laundry and cooking.  Nope!  I'll just migrate back and forth between homes. Thank you very much.  However, this concept of honesty and transparency in a relationship is sadly refreshing.

Isn't love supposed to be honest?  If you are dating someone why would you not share that you date other people.  I mean besides being selfish, sneaky, greedy, and manipulative.  What is the reason that two consenting adults cannot sit down and say "I like you and I like him too."

I'll tell you why... E.F.G.

The first big problem is EGO! As I watched those polyamorous men and women all I could think was that they must have personalities like damp washcloths. Most of us are too feisty and self-centric to share a mate. Okay fine.  I am too feisty and self-centric to share a mate.  I'll share my money, my time, and even jewelry on occasion . But I draw the line at a man.  I want a love that is mine and mine alone. I'll give you what you want and need as long as I know you can't see anything past my left ear. Once I feel like you are peeing on another tree- I stop giving you what you want and slowly ween you off of what you need.  This, in turn, sends you on your merry way fully into the arms of the next girl and I move on to the next guy. One at a time, no pushing or shoving.

The second big problem is FEAR.  Ironically, it's often fear that makes us want to date other people in the first place.  We require a safety net in case the current relationship doesn't work out for us. However, we don't want to be honest about our desire to date other people because then our mate may decide that he/she wants to date other people too. Who wants that? That doesn't work because of problem #1.  Geesh!

The third "problem" per se is GOODNESS. Everybody wants to be the good guy or good girl.  No one wants to be the reason why the relationship failed. So you have to be strategic about how you date other people in a way to "keep from hurting anyone" - which is a bunch of malarkey (Joe Biden circa 2012).  You may convince yourself that you hide your other lovers because you are good but you really hide them because of #2.

I don't really see the majority of people overcoming these issues completely. The dating game has been "the game"centuries.  I also don't think that all-out, full-blow polyamory is the answer with everybody in the house together, laying around with each other, and watching TV holding hands with someone on either side of you.  But isn't there something in between Love Lies and Amorous Anarchy?

What if we were honest about what was lacking in our relationships?  Instead of going out to find a secret replacement for what we desire, let's openly and honestly talk to our mates about what we need, want, or simply wish to explore in a relationship. Our mates could then honestly communicate what they are lacking in the relationship?  Oh, you think they are just so happy-go-lucky in love with you. No!  Relationships are a lot of give and take. Even when all is given and taken, there will still be a void.

Nobody gets 100% of what they need from a relationship. Our relationships are not designed for us to be completely satisfied by another person. That's why we have God in us.  God fills us with love, peace, joy, and satisfaction. So before you go out and try to find another lover, maybe you should try looking inward for love. Explore polyamory. I did.  I am in a polyamorous relationship with God at the center.

C'mon y'all saw that coming?  Peace and That Good Love.









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