A few months ago, Halle Berry told New York Times Style Magazine "My picker is broken". There are lots of girls (and a few guys) that have broken pickers. Does your picker need to be refurbished?
Today during lunch my girlfriend joked about former days and my superb ability to love and take care of a man. None of which I will deny. I was a girl who loved love and I loved to take care of a man. So, I cooked gourmet and brought his meal on a tray, soaked his feet, managed his finances, caught his free throws, bought gifts for his mama, typed his reports, scheduled the doctor, organized his office, kept him up in the studio, did his laundry and yes...never said "no" to sex. The collective "he" in my past reaped the benefits of my love affair with love. When I love, I love hard, fast and "me love you long time."
My girlfriend made an astute observation - one that several people over the last year have brought to my attention so I guess it was time to write it:
None of my serious ex-boyfriends are married today. Please don't reference grammar school and high school. That doesn't count. I mean those few but very important men who shared a significant portion of my life - none of them are married. Maybe they have a baby mama or two but no wives. My girlfriend's take on this was that I am "the bomb" and after me those men never found anyone to love and care for them like I did. I almost peed my pants laughing.
If only I were so vain to think that no woman ever measured up to me. My response to her was "Girl, my picker was broken". My intuitive attraction was to men who were guarded and unavailable to me emotionally. I apparently liked the challenge of men who had other loves like music, sports, business, money, time, lots of women, or simply themselves. Being a family man wasn't something they wanted or were equipped to do at the moment - or now I guess.
Ladies, we have to stop blaming men for our broken pickers. He's not hiding who he is from you. You just aren't processing it correctly because your picker is broken. How did I fix my picker? The short answer is - I didn't. BUT when you know you have a broken picker you can ignore the signal until you can patch it up. I stopped using my picker to chose men and I started using my intelligence, my values, and my desire for a healthy, drama-free, relatively pain-free life. I made myself open to men who I might not otherwise choose with a broken picker. And guess what? It worked. I picked right.
I want you to test your picker to see if it's broken. Go to the man you are dating and waiting on to decide if he wants to be with you for real. If you have been with him longer than 6 months ask him, "Do you think we could get married?" If he says "I don't know"or "Maybe" and he appears uncomfortable- your picker is broken.
Men- don't start barking at me. You KNOW, that I KNOW, that YOU KNOW relatively quickly if a woman is someone you CAN marry. Nobody said you have to propose today.
Need to test your picker again? Fine. If it's been 6 months, ask him if he believes that your relationship has a spiritual connection, like you were meant to be together. If he gets annoyed or comes up with some bumbling answer- your picker is broken. Still don't want to believe your picker is broken? We women are creatures of hope so I know it will be hard. Simply ask him this "Do you really want to be with me?" If he responds with any type of questions like "Why are you asking me that?" or "What do you think?" Child, your picker is broken.
A broken picker doesn't mean you need to break up. If you want to rock with a man chosen with a broken picker that's your decision. But you need to set the proper expectations. Expect some pain, heartache and frustration. You may want some of that in your life to keep it interesting. Who am I to judge? I'm just a girl with a patched up picker.