Painful, Difficult, Devastating....Love?

Last night on ABC's "Scandal" Olivia Pope told Edison she wanted "painful, difficult, devastating, extraordinary, life-changing love."   Really?

I have to give it up to Shonda Rhimes for creating Olivia Pope.  We love Liv because she is a smart, dynamic, strong heap of mess and she knows it.  Last night illustrated that more than ever.  Liv was deliberately choosing a painful life. She told Edison that she was not built for the other life-normal. She said she didn't want "simple and easy".  His response, "Love isn't supposed to be painful or devastating. Love isn't supposed to hurt, Liv."   I tweeted that as fair warning to the ladies and many of my twitter followers responded with a resounding "Yes" to that kind of unhealthy love.  And many of you secretly want it too.  I know, because I used to be just like Liv.  I accepted that I was not built for an easy-going, drama-free, love and joy filled life.

There are moments when our hearts race and our stomachs turn.  That part doesn't feel good. But when it all works out, the wonderful feeling of happiness that comes over us. Well,  it's emotional make-up sex.  And we get addicted to the pain before the pleasure.  It's like anything else, water is best when you are most thirsty and food is exquisite when you are most hungry.  The only reason that kind of "love" is so good to you is because you are at a low point when you experience it.  In our brokenness we seek chaos because it's our "normal".  Why? Because it's too hard to do the work to be healthy and functional.  "Normal" is a perception that varies from individual to individual. A "normal" relationship is not easily defined. However, "healthy and functional"  is crystal clear.

For years,  I held onto a painful, non-existent relationship - not unlike Liv and Fitz.  It was a relationship that made me cry, vomit, and on occasion wish I were dead.  But then a ray of hope would come- a vacation, a party, a night of great sex - and it would be all good again until the next flare up. I admitted to myself that I was addicted to the person. But, I finally came to realize that I was addicted to the pain.  I discovered that there was something in me that felt unworthy of real love so I stayed with someone who hurt me constantly.  Daddy issues? Peer Issues? Genetic abnormality?  Who knows?  But whatever it was, it gripped me.   It was passionate. And lets face it, there is nothing passionate about basketball games, school plays, and recycling day.

But love and passion are the same.  Love is patient, kind, forgiving - you know the rest. Love shouldn't be difficult. If your relationship is difficult, painful and devastating. It needs to change. You need to change.  I am not suggesting you necessarily bail on the relationship. But I am saying that you need to put in the work to make it healthy.  And you can't do that alone.  The two of you must decide that you want more of God's joy and peace in your life.  I realized that I wanted the goodness of all that God had for me.  There was no justification for tears and pain as a means to God's love.  Once I began to search me  I realized that I am beautiful and smart, kind and encouraging, ambitious and loving. Most importantly I realized that I was created by God for goodness.  And that includes "good love".  And trust me, when you have good love. You don't need to fight first to have good sex.

Liv said she wanted "life changing" love. Well, immersing yourself in years of pain and turmoil in an unhealthy relationship will definitely change your life.  Many a woman (and man) met their demise because they "loved" the wrong person.  Question is, are you one of them?

NOTE: Yes, I left out the point that Fitz is married because that's a whole different blog post in itself.

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