Sugar and Spice, But Not So Nice

What are little girls made of? made of?
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice and everything nice
That's what little girls are made of?

Just when I start to believe that it is becoming passé to write about the way women treat each other somebody starts acting up in the world.  I was standing in the line at the grocery store and saw Gabby Douglas on the cover of people magazine. What a cute little girl! Gabby Douglas was born in 1995. So, you can imagine my response when I hear of women born before 1975 criticizing her hair while she's winning a gold medal.  Not nice! 

Difficult women are hard on other women. We know this.   But hard on little girls too? Has the competition among women become so intense that there is no longer an age requirement in the game?  I realized joy, confidence, and success at any age is a threat to "not-nice" women.  Gabby Douglas achieved one of her life dreams at the age of sixteen while many women in their 30s and 40s are still brooding daily about not being who or what they wanted to be.  Their tiny minds and miniature esteem cannot accept a little girl being the greatest gymnast in the world. They have to focus on her hairstyle while she's winning because that's the only way they will be able to fall asleep at night. 

Isn't that really why women are hard on each other?  It's not that the presence of another woman bothers difficult women. It's that the presence of a confident and happy woman bothers a not-nice woman.  Success doesn't even really bother this type of woman. If you are successful in work but miserable in your personal life, you will still have plenty of girlfriends.  If you have a great family life, but you are unhappy with your contribution to the world, these women won't have a problem with you either. But if you are happy with whatever your life has become - work, stay-at-home, make money, don't make money, married, divorced, single - you better watch out, my sister.  This is precisely why my motto is this....

"If you love me, I love you.  If you hate me, I still love you because if I wasn't me, I'd probably hate me too."  

I'm well aware that I am hard to be around for many women. They feel competitive and it's hard to compete when you don't know what race I'm running.  You see, I'm running the Kamryn Adams marathon - trying to beat Kamryn Adams.  When it appears like I have failed in some attempt (like I SO cannot sing, but it doesn't stop me from singing) I am still just as happy and pleased with my life. Being competitive with other women is a waste of energy that you could be using to be the best YOU possible.  I'm trying to maximize my gifts and minimize my gaps. So I'll let you in on a little secret... I am not checking for you while I'm running my race.  It is a complete waste of your time to point out my inadequacies to make yourself feel better because when you see me embrace my gaps with a smile, it's going to piss you off even more. 

However, as a "nice girl" I am concerned about how being a spectator at my race may make you feel. I want to uplift other women. I want you to watch my race and start running your own to win. Successful women who work to make other women envious are also classified as "not nice".  You are not a hater but you want to build a hater nation around you.  You need to gain your confidence by making other women feel bad about themselves.  As a "nice girl"  if I know my presence shines a light on just how unhappy you are with yourself,  I will stay away from you because I love you and I want you to love yourself.   It's not my intent to share my life and make you feel bad. I share my life to encourage you because if I can build a happy life, so can you.  When you do, you'll find that you'll be more focused on  celebrating the achievements of other women and less focused the chipped nail polish of a women who threatens  you. 

Great Sexpectations

It is positively amazing to me that people would rather have sex than talk about it.  How can you be embarrassed to have a conversation with someone with whom you are mixing body fluids and allowing to enter your body...or whose body you are entering? Duh! When did society become so distorted that it is easier to give oral sex than to say "I want oral sex". Blow job! Blow job! Blow job!  There are people who are blushing to see the word in print, but will drop to their knees at the sound of the light switch.  

The beginning of good sex is communication. Women, shame on you for not telling your man what you want. Instead of communicating with him, you fake orgasms, complain behind his back, or just shut the sex down all together.  It's not fair to him and it's not fair to you. No one can learn to please you if you don't tell them exactly what you like...and do not like.  Not communicating about your sexual needs is the beginning of what can become a cycle of infidelity and distrust in a relationship. Before your panties hit the floor and the condom wrapper tears open (hopefully) you should have a conversation about your sexuality.

I think more people should talk openly to their children about sex. Early and often. Talking to your children about their sexuality will not make them promiscuous if you explain the joys of sex and the proper placement of sex in their lives.  I certainly wish we all could have followed God's word and not had sex until we were married.  However, you can talk about God's expectations for sex without making sex seem dirty or something "bad girls do". Many women get married and don't know how to be intimate with their husbands for this reason. 

The "bad girl" image doesn't only affect the sexuality of women. Men who have also been programmed during their adolescent that "bad girls" will give it up begin to build assumptions around the sexual needs of women.  If a woman is highly sexual, then she must be promiscuous. This bad girl baggage often follows them into marriage and now they can't perform on their "wife" what they used to do on their "hot girlfriend".  They were raised to seek out "naughty girls" for sex. This causes women to be dishonest about their sexual past (which can be dangerous) and their sexual desires. 

Communication is the key to a long, happy, healthy sex life. Don't be embarrassed to verbalize what you want in the bedroom. Your mate wants to please you. If you can't find a way to broach the topic... Happy Humping!!!!

Becoming One is Not Always Fun

I once heard someone say that building a relationship is like making mashed potatoes.  You take two different potatoes with different shapes and sizes and the first thing you do is scrub them until all of the dirt and debris is removed.  Then you peel off the skin one slice at a time.  At this point the two potatoes are starting to look alike.  After you have washed and skinned them, then you place them in boiling hot water until they soften.  And once they soften up, you take a mallet and smash, smash, smash them together under pressure until you can't tell that there were ever two different potatoes in this one smooth mixture.
Becoming ONE is like making mashed potatoes

"Oneness" take a lot of work.  It certainly feels sometimes like you are being scrubbed, skinned, boiled, and smashed by the trials in relationships and so it's important to remember that every successful relationship has been in hot water and smashed under the pressure. In fact, I've found that couples who seem "perfect for each other" who have magical relationships are simply on the other side of a storm.  They are still hand in hand and whether or not they FEEL head over heels in love, they are true to the commitment they have made to their relationship despite the troubles inside and outside of their sphere.

When you are going through the "oneness" cycle, it can be tough. This is usually the time when your heart feels very little and your mind wants to become disengaged in coupling.  The answer is not to force yourselves together and "make" it work.  Instead, try taking a "breather" first.  This doesn't mean that you need to physically separate, but you certainly need to go to your separate corners mentally and think about why you are together.  During this time do not focus on your mate and your individual wants and needs. During this time, you should focus on the collective vision for your lives.  Where do you want to live? Do you want to take vacations? Work in the community? Drive fast cars? Or host backyard barbecues?  Think about the kind of life you want and how the two of you can build it together.  Whenever I am ready to dive head first off the relationSHIP, I think about how I want to visit and spoil my grandchildren one day. I want to sunset in happy times and drive a 2-seater convertible so young people can wonder why such an old woman has such a flyy car.  And when I am thinking on all of these things, guess what?  I am not alone in my vision. I'm with my mate laughing with wrinkled hands clasped together.  His presence is evident in my future dreams.

Thinking past the current moment of being in "hot water" helps you keep the big relationship picture in perspective.  A critical component of "oneness" is to always have a vision of the future together.  Until you "catch" the vision, you are only as good as the current day - which sometimes might feel like you're a smashed potato.