Seek and Ye Shall Find a Cheater

I recently had a discussion with a private investigator that proved to be very interesting. She said that 9 of 10 people (men and women) that come to her with suspicion of a cheating mate find out they were right. It reminded me of something one of my female colleagues told me. If you think a man is cheating, he is.  I ran that little tid bit by my PI friend and she explained it in a more concrete way.  She said that if it were not for the need to sustain a living doing investigative work, she would tell every concerned spouse this..."Chances are if you feel so strongly that your spouse is cheating that it landed you in my office, there is no doubt they are cheating."  It made such logical sense. 

As I drove home I thought about what she said. It was true. We know when someone is cheating but we always want the proof.  But why is that? I have a couple of theories. The first hypothesis is that we are actually looking in the hopes that we are wrong. So even though our gut and our good sense tell us that something is not right, until we see some evidence we allow ourselves to remain in a painful state of emotion. My second theory is that we actually do not want to be with the person so finding the evidence of cheating gives us a reason to end the relationship.

Most of the time if you are snooping around you will find something. The question you must ask yourself before you begin your quest is do you want to remain in the relationship or not.  If you are in such turmoil that you are hacking into email accounts and voicemail systems, gather your emotions and make a real assessment about the relationship.  If you know you are not leaving then spare yourself the misery and do not snoop. If you want to end the relationship, do not look for excuses to mask your intentions. You are an adult and do not need to justify your feelings to anyone but yourself. If you want to say, do so. If you want to go...go. Be fearless. 

Why Are We So Judgmental?

I heard Bill O'Reilly on the TODAY show this week saying that we should not celebrate Whitney because she did drugs. He went on to agree with Matt Lauer that the media has covered Whitney's battle with drugs but "not in a judgemental way".  

Is it our job to be judgemental?  Why do we have an opinion on whether Beyonce birthed Blue Ivy or used a surrogate? I'll tell you why - being judgemental allows us to feel better about ourselves. It's an opportunity to point out a vice or flaw that another person has that we do not have. We take pride in being able to say, "I would never..."  Because there are so many things we have done and would do. 

Bernie Madoff swindled people in a Ponzi scheme. YOU WOULD NEVER DO THAT! But you are still intentionally dodging the person whom you owe $1000.  Some girl gave up her baby for adoption. YOU WOULD NEVER DO THAT. But you decided to have your child and let your grandmama and 'em raise it. Rhianna has befriended Chris Brown again. YOU WOULD NEVER DO THAT! But you hang on to a dude that you know is cheating on you with multiple women because he's given you multiple diseases. 

You get the point?  If we all focus on being better people in our own lives perhaps we can influence the behavior of someone who is watching us.  Instead of pointing fingers at the faults and flaws of others, how about looking in the mirror and give a fair assessment of who you are as a person, a friend, a mate, a parent.
I have so much "stuff" with me that I have no time (nor inclination) to worry about the flaws and missteps of my fellow imperfect beings.  NOTE: This article is judging judgmental people for their judgement. See, case in point.


Whether Jay and Bey birthed the child or bought her at IKEA, it has no effect on my life. It was their decision on how they wanted to start their family.  Let's all try not to be do judgemental of the decisions that really have no bearing on our lives at all. It's not easy to do because we want to justify being better than somebody. Nobody wants to be the the devil on earth...well, except maybe Nikki Minaj . Just kidding.  Kind of.