You Can Get More Flies with Honey, But Who Wants Flies?

My grandmother used to say "You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar".  To which I would respond with my youthful wisdom, "I'm not interested in catching flies."  Like most of the sayings that come out of the Ohio River Valley, it took me a while to realize what this mantra actually meant and how important it would be in my life with men.

Catching flies with honey essentially means "be sweet" to get the things you need.  In this new age, young women want to "fight fire with fire" when it comes to their men. Somehow the liberation in the male dominated workforce has misled women to use the same tactics in their homes.  BATTLE! I couldn't disagree more. Now, I have battled my share of men in the boardroom. I have let F-bombs fly and insulted their character and intelligence if neccessary.  But in relationships, I take a different approach.

When a fire blazes, you fight it with water - disarm it.  God has given women a very lethal dose of power in our femininity.  If you don't like something your man has done, don't yell, scream, and criticize him about it. All he will hear is "You're wrong. You're bad. You're inadequate."  The male ego is very fragile.  Black men, in particular, face battle and pressure all day so if you bring the drama, they will see you as the enemy - at least for that moment.  As women we need to learn to communicate in a way that he can hear us. A man's ears are designed to shut down to loud criticism and insults from a woman.  If you ask me, the best time to tell your man that you don't like his behavior (or ask for a new designer bag) is after sex....he'll straighten right up! If you argue that this is manipulative, I'll retort that manipulation is an intentional behavior to control or misuse someone.  I'm talking about genuine love and hot sex that both YOU and your man want at the moment.

I can recall a situation where my man was coming home an hour later than when he told me he would be home. I was heated, to say the least.  Based upon his past he was expecting a battle when he walked in the door, so he came in the door with a frown and angrily said,  "Guaranteed I'm coming home to some bull$*! everyday."   I extended a loving smile, took a deep breathe and sweetly instructed him to get in the shower. He stood there for a moment waiting for me to explode, but I explained to him.....  "I know you are wrong and I know that YOU know you are wrong so why discuss it, honey?"  The steam in the shower obviously cleared his head.  He came out with a "Baby, I'm really sorry. Next time I'll call when I have to stop."

Done! That's all I wanted...and apology and a change in behavior for next time.  Had I pounced on him when he came in the door I never would have gotten it.  He may have given a half hearted apology after I verbally beat it out of him, but the next time he would have done the same thing OR he would have resentfully come right home - which I didn't want either. The night ended with a movie, some hugs, kisses, and lots of jokes. I was happy. He was happy. We were happy together. 

DISCLAIMER:  If a you are in a relationship with a man that doesn't respond to your "honey" and continues to misuse you....Get movin'!  Any "good" man will respond to a woman's vulnerability and femininity in a positive way. A man who loves you doesn't want to hurt or upset you. He doesn't WANT to disappoint you.