Emotional Affairs and Mental Blocks

MYTH:  Women have emotional affairs. When women cheat it's because they are looking for a connection.  Men think they know why women cheat.  I've often asked my male friends to answer one simple question for me: "If women only have affairs based in emotion and men have affairs based in meaningless sex, then who are these men having meaningless sex with?" ANSWER: Women who want good (and meaningless) sex

Women continue to perpetuate the myth of emotional affairs so that their husbands and boyfriends can continue to feel secure in knowing that nobody else is pushing up on his girl.  The last thing a man's brain can visualize is another man banging out his woman.  Many women have sexual and social needs that aren't quenched at home. Emotions are not anywhere in the equation for these women.  It's the thrill of the thighs that drives them to cheat.

Discussion circles often debate whether or not women cheat as often as men do.  No way! Women cheat WAY MORE often then men cheat.  Why? Well, for starters we have more opportunities to cheat.  We do not have to seek out opportunities to cheat because the cheating scenario often just, literally, falls in our laps. Women don't get caught because 1) men don't pay attention 2) men can't visualize their woman cheating 3) women are multitaskers who change their minds, opinions, and behaviors often. 

Men are creatures of habit. If your man gets up every day, brushes his teeth, puts on his tie and leaves the house. The morning he brushes his teeth and gargles with scope or goes without the tie you know something is awry. There are some women cheaters right now screaming...STOP KAMRYN...Stop telling them our secrets. No worries.  The habitual nature of men is indeed intuitive. You can tell your man that when he lies he raises one eyebrow and says "you know what I'm sayin".  The next time he lies he'll do the same thing.  He can't help it.

They say men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Naw, both are from right here on earth where life is as complicated as it gets in its simplest form.  Just sayin'.

COMMUNICATION Rule #1 -Less is More

When it comes to bagging the man of your dreams there is one critical rule to remember from the start...less is more when it comes to sharing.  If ol' boy ends up being the ONE, you have your entire life to share everything with him.  The first date is not the time to divulge all of  your secret desires and fears.  NO MAN...and I mean NO MAN wants to hear all that early in the game. He'll sit and listen because he's trying to "hit it" so he dare not jeopardize his chances. But inside of his head he is only hearing "Blah Blah Blah...I've been hurt....blah blah blah...I've got issues....blah blah blah."

There are some things that are definitely off limits during the courting time of a relationship:

#1.   The Ex Failure
The new guy is not spending his hard earned cash on dinner and a movie to hear all about the last guy.  I know, women.  You think that by telling him about how messed up your last guy was that he will make a mental note not to make the same mistake. Not so! Not in the beginning.  Guys aren't making any "mental notes" about the future on dates 1-3. Trust me!  If he's intently watching your lips move he's probably wondering about how well you perform orally. He is NOT trying to figure out how to be better than the last guy. 

#2.  The History Lesson
Take a breather, girlfriend.  The guy isn't trying to know your entire life history in one sitting of buffalo wings. He's there to have some laughs and decide whether or not there will be a date #2. You want to impress him with your mouth piece? Talk about current events, sports, something that is "safe" and provides for dialogue not a diatribe. Remember your goal on date #1 is to get a second date not for him to go to Jared

#3 The Ultimatum
I can't count how many of my male friends and family have told me horror stories about a nice young lady who ruined the first date with the "Look! I'm too old to play games" speech.  Things may be going very well for you, girlfriend. His tummy is full. He has a smile on his face and he seems sufficiently entertained. Rather than ride that nice gentle wave... you go in for the kill like a great white shark. Don't throw out a time limit on a relationship that hasn't even begun.  "I plan to be married by 33" or "If you don't know within 90 days of being with me, then why mess around with this whole dating thing."  Uh, because it's a process.  Some of you ladies want to shake hands and then jump the broom on your way out of Applebees. Slow down mama!


#4 Money
The same way a woman can do bad by herself so can a man.  Don't start talking about your financial needs at the beginning of a relationship.  The whole, "I need somebody who can do for me" doesn't work.  Yes, men have massive egos and part of their very definition is to take care of us. However, at that point in the game you are a random chick that he views as an "applicant" for future benefits.  When you talk about your car payment, cell phone bill, et al it only screams "I'm broke."  Along these same lines don't talk about what a previous boyfriend did for you. (See Rule #1)  After all, if dude was that tight you'd still be with him. 


#5  Biological Clock
Just don't do it!


Happy Hunting!!!



Find the Right Guy

I'm a bit of a romantic and a bit of a cynic when it comes to the whole "soulmate" thing.  I have a fundamental problem believing that there is only one person on the planet that is meant for you. However, I strongly believe that two people can be "made for eachother". The law of attraction says that if you believe you will find love, you will.  True, but here are some guidelines to help with the process. 


#1 Look for someone you can live with, not someone that you won't be able to live without


So many people fool themselves into thinking that they are supposed to find a perfect mate, rather than a perfect relationship. A perfect relationship is one that works for you. A perfect mate has yet to be created. When you are out there on the dating scene, you should know what things are on your "NOT" list (see#4) and anything else is worth exploring. If smoking is on your NOT list, then you shouldn't even begin a relationship with a smoker. However, if he doesn't smoke but he bites his nails, it may be worth pursuing to see if it's a match. Be open to what comes your way.



#2 Don't expect love at first sight to last forever

Butterflies, sweaty palms and all of those things that happen when you are first attracted to someone go away. It's not that you don't love the person the same way. It's the way our bodies are made. We adapt to situations and surroundings. Your senses recognize the individual and no longer go crazy when he walks through the door. But you may love him even more than the day you fell in love. The laws of attraction aren't just about what you feel. They are about what you know and think about yourself.


#3 Be confident, secure, not desperate

Take your time and let the laws of attraction work for you. Don't start asking about marriage and talking about how many kids you want on the first date.  Don't bombard him with horror stories from your past dating escapades. Take your time and trust the universal laws of attraction to work in your favor. Remind yourself what a great person you are and it will exude from you making you even more attractive to man across the room.


#4 Don't Make Excuses

If you see something on your "NOT" list right away...run! Don't ignore behavior that you would otherwise find inexcuseable if the guy weren't so darn sexy.  Turning a blind eye to character flaws like selfishness, jealousy, or anger issues will land you lying next to a super fine maniac that wildly turns you on. The sex may be great but afterward you'll need to sleep with one eye open.

Happy Hunting!

Image is Everything. Really?

Image! Image! Image! Everyone is concerned about the outward appearance. There's nothing wrong with that as long as you pay equal (if not more) attention to what's on the inside of you. There are few things worse than a pretty face with a funky attitude. Unless, of course, it's a pretty face with no home training. I'm not sure which is worse. There is so much pressure to be "pretty" these days. No wonder the cosmetic surgery market raked in $13 Billion...with a "B", 13 Billion dollars in 2007.


They (whoever that is) say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. This is true. However, what our eyes behold these days is quarter-dressed women with plastic breasts, little nostrils, and foreheads that mask their emotion. Don't get me wrong. I'd love to get rid of my "back fat" just like the next girl. Wouldn't I have loved to taper this marsupial pouch, a gift from my loving sons? Of course! But until I committed myself to doing two to three hundred crunches a day...every day, there's was no need to get liposuction. And I feel good about that fact that my imperfect body is all naturale' courtesy of walking, hip hop abs, and declining that brownie obsession at TGIF.  For every effort I put into the outside, I spend even more time getting this ol' girl together inside.

No I don't have the time to dwell on my back fat, muffin top, and kanga-pocket. My beauty radiates from within. Now don't get me wrong. I wear MAC, get my hair done and I'm quite aware I've got good genes. If you listen to my radio show then you've heard me say..."If I wasn't me, I'd hate me too." I don't say that because of what I am on the outside, but because I have come to love who I am on the inside.

I wouldn't change one thing about my life and that's a blessing. Millions of women would trade places with me in a NY minute (even ones with flat stomachs and round perky breasts that have never provided the life source for an infant).  My kids are incredible, not perfect, but awesome. I am following my dreams and making a living doing something I love to do. Most importantly, I am pleased with my spiritual, emotional, and personal life. The joy I have in my life makes me "beautiful."

Getting rid of my back fat won't make me walk any taller into a room than I already do. My confidence is from WHO and WHOSE I am, not what I look like. I've looked pretty much the same since I was three years old. But when I look in the mirror, I don't see the same girl. My eyes sparkle, my smile is bright even with my teeth spreading, and as long as they make a Victoria's Secret Push Up bra... and Invisalign...I'm good. It's like the Maya Angelou's poem, "Phenomenal Woman." A woman exudes beauty and power from the inside.

We can't continue to say Halle is beautiful, Beyonce is beautiful, Angelina is beautiful, without really knowing who they are on the inside. Would any happily married woman want to trade places with Halle Berry? Heck no! Her beauty wasn't enough to keep two marriages together. Even if you argue it was due to her choices, then her beauty wasn't enough to provide her with wisdom. In either case, I'll go with the Tamia school of thought..."I choose ME." I'm not going to let Vogue, BET, MTV, or CNN tell me what beauty is or isn't. Beauty is whatever I behold it to be.

Like I always say.... Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.... when there are so many other reason to hate me. Can you see me now?

The Mother You'd Love to Be

I've finished the manuscript for Butterfly Falls and I'm working on my third book, "Chocolate MYLFs",about a group of flyy ass suburban moms who are banging more than rugs against the side of the house.  Being a MYLF doesn't mean you are banging the entire block, so don't be concerned about your reputation for reading this blog. I'm certainly not concerned about writing it.  Being a MYLF means you CAN bang the entire block if you so chose to do that. 

Let's face it. I'm not the minivan driving, loafer-wearing, ponytail holder mom who bakes cupcakes. I'm the  BMW fast driving, showing a bit of cleavage, lip gloss on point mom who bakes creme brulee, cherry cobbler and cupcakes from scratch while wearing 4 inch stillettos.  Just because I'm a mom, doesn't mean I have to look like Old Mother Hubbard.  If Angelina, Demi, and Jada can still look like THAT then so can I. Ya heard?

When I became a mom I didn't loose my personality. I'm still the slick-talking, runway-walking chick I was at 22, but my game is much tighter (though my butt isn't) because I've learned a whole lotta stuff along the way.  I just finished a radio interview and the host called me a "relationship expert". Hmph!  I suppose I am if you consider all the toads I kissed and lily pads I crashed. Men, including those that I am raising, tend to be my specialty. I am surrounded by men who love me (and whom I love) and consequently I can find something redeeming in every man, even if it's only his ability to fix my catalytic converter.

Being a mom doesn't need to be wrapped up in silk scarfs and jogging pants.  Your ability to cook, clean, take care of your children is not hinged upon how benign you can make your look and personality.  I'm  a mother and it's okay that I'm a mother you want to...yeah.  It's natural. After all if mothers didn't [F] then they would have never become mothers.  Exactly!!!!